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~More Than Me

I am so much more than me
Close your eyes and tell me what you see

With your fingertips slowly feel my face
Eyes, nose, lips, chin, and ears
Continue to the back of my head
Run your fingers through my hair

Down my neck and beyond my shoulder
Pass my elbow to hold my hand
Interlace our fingers gently
Let me feel the strength of a man

Eyes still closed, with your other hand
Find your way to my heart
Feel the beat while we talk
How much do I tell, and where do I start

I've seen very few fields of clover
It's mostly been briers and thorns
Sometimes I try hard to fight back
Other times wish I was never born

I often sit in my corner rocking
Clutching my pillow and my dog
Don't ask me why, I probably don't know
Help me try to exit the fog

I am so much more than me
Open your eyes and tell me what you see

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~Jigsaw Puzzle

My life had become a puzzle
Five Thousand pieces
That needed to find their place
Scattered across a table
Some dropped to the floor
Tossed aside and stomped on
Tattered, torn, and crumpled
Carelessly, maliciously

Most people have no reason
To put such a puzzle together
Not knowing if it can be completed
You bravely took on the challenge
Even the ones that seemed beyond repair
The pieces that contained my shattered heart
You painstakingly made the repairs
And gave me reason to hope

You gave me your heart
While you repaired mine
A puzzle within a puzzle
The pieces were crumbled and soaked with  tears
You dried them gently
And put the puzzle back together
Carefully, knowing how fragile it was
All the while teaching me to trust again

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~Chemical Lobotomy

My doctors have prescribed for me
A chemical lobotomy
To take away the pain and fears
That have plagued me for so many years
When I go into a rage or panic
Two little pills will do the trick
These same two stop and block my dreams
So I don't wake to fits and screams
Another pill will mute the voices
That make me think I have no choices
But to pull my hair, cut, and burn my skin
One more to fight the voices within
Two to level the roller coaster ride
Of two moods and two sides
I often wonder which is worse
The so called illness or the cures
My mind is taken away from me
Just memories of who I used to be
Flashbacks in time run through my brain
But here and now briefly remain
Someone helps with street crossing
Another takes me grocery shopping
When I go for a walk, wander, and roam
A special dog will find my way home
There's a problem if I walk too much
My feet cramp and burn with the slightest touch
There is no pill or cure for this pain
So I illegally smoke and my consciousness drain
If this drug was one they could dispense
My doctors would give it without hesitance
Epilepsy and various other ills
Provide another handful of pills
When the cures and diagnoses have taken me
I will simply no longer want to be
Through the mercies of the gods or my own hand
I'll exit this life for one more grand
This solution that to me seems most kind
For myself and those I've left behind
Of all the things I've ever lost
My mind has been the greatest cost
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~Pink Ribbons

In my hair for a first grade picture – simplicity
On white paper wrapping toasters and blenders – incipiency
For my princess’s flower girl dress – innocence
In mother’s memory – forlornness
and then…
The universal symbol of me –
Mutilation
Consternation
Abandonment
and finally….
Determination
Omnipotence
Survivor

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